That letter I wrote to my dad about his hoarding, tore it up after talking to my aunt

I had this whole letter drafted, about 3 pages, explaining how his junk was stressing me out every time I visited. Then my aunt called last week and said 'you know he started saving stuff after mom died, right?' She told me he couldn't throw away her old recipe cards or the broken lamp she fixed twice. That hit different because I never connected his mess to her passing back in 2017. Has anyone else realized a family habit is actually about grief, not stubbornness?

3 comments

3 Comments

john_fisher27d ago

Call it what it is: using grief as an excuse. My grandmother hoarded for thirty years before my grandpa passed and it was just her way of refusing to deal with anything she didn't want to face. Your dad probably needs a therapist, not a pass for turning your childhood home into a fire hazard.

the_wendy27d ago

John, you nailed it with "refusing to deal with anything she didn't want to face." That's the real problem right there. People wrap their hoarding in grief or trauma or whatever feels like a good excuse, but at the end of the day it's just choosing not to handle your own stuff. Your grandma had thirty years of that, and it sounds like nobody called her on it because they felt bad. But the thing is, letting someone avoid reality isn't kindness, it's just enabling them to make a bigger mess. If your dad needs a therapist, fine, but he also needs to start throwing things out and facing the fire hazard he's created. Grief doesn't give you a free pass to bury yourself in junk.

mianelson27d ago

Calling me out @the_wendy, guess my junk collection needs a new label too.